Truth In Sincerity
by sendricamp
Summary: Beca hated the word life. Bechloe/Mitchsen
1. Rule 76

Life.

Beca hated the word. She really did. She didn't like the way it sounded when you promised someone your life, but gave up. Really, she didn't have much of a choice in giving up. It wasn't for lack of trying. She tried to keep the relationship alive - healthy - despite the efforts of destruction that were thrown her way. She was determined, but a person can only fight for so long.

She gave up, and moved on. Every single day she woke up and hated herself for that, but she would never let anyone know, especially not her wife. It was her own private hell to deal with. No one would understand why she blamed herself, because she had tried so hard to save it.

In the end, life fucks you over.


	2. Summer In B

They were happy, in this moment. Aubrey was letting the wind control the rise and fall of her hand out the passenger window. Chloe was asleep in the backseat, stretched out across the seat. Beca kept her eyes focused on the road, bobbing her head in time with the music on the radio, already thinking on how to mix the current song into something else. The spring sun was beating down as they made their way south.

Aubrey and Chloe had driven up to New York for the ICCA's, keeping their promise to the Bellas that they would be there to root them on to another victory, Beca's fourth and final one. The brunette had decided to drive back to Atlanta with her friends, knowing it would be one of the last times they would spend together before Beca packed up her life and finally moved to Los Angeles.

It was the life she wanted, finally within her reach, with the unexpected friendships that would be her late night phone calls and text messages. They would be why she returned to Georgia each Thanksgiving, each Christmas and each summer. They were her family, and it pained her to be leaving them, but this is what she had wanted since she was ten. Produce music for the biggest and best talent out there.

For now, though, she had this drive. She had these little moments to file away in her brain when she needed a boost. Chloe shifted in the backseat, grunting when she couldn't stretch out. "When is the next rest area?" she mumbled, sitting up, wiping the sleep from her eyes.

"About ten more miles," Beca responded, catching those blue eyes in the rearview mirror. Chloe nodded, leaning forward so her head was between the other women. "Will you ever learn the meaning of a personal bubble?"

Chloe smirked, leaning her head on Beca's shoulder. "Dude, you drive a tiny as shit Honda Civic. Just looking at this car is getting into your personal bubble," she joked.

"You are gonna hurt Noomi's feelings if you keep talking about her like that," Beca warned, reaching her right hand up to gently stroke the dashboard. "It's okay, Noomi. Mean old Chloe didn't mean anything by the tiny comments."

Aubrey laughed, turning her head to look at them. "You know, other people might think you are insane if you keep talking to your car like it is alive."

"You don't?" Beca asked, feigning interest.

"I know you are insane." Her head turned back to the window, watching her hand move up and down. "It isn't going to be the same without you around."

"Yeah. What are we going to do without you? No one to annoy us with new mixes or to get all pseudo-angry when we make fun of how little you are," Chloe added, laughing and falling back into the seat as Beca blindly swatted at her, signaling as she slid the car off of the freeway and found a parking space as close to the rest area as she could. She turned to her passengers, pulling her bottom lip into her mouth as she thought over her words.

"It somehow makes it harder to run off to California, knowing the support system I have here. I think at one point I even toyed with the idea of being an Atlanta-based producer, just so I could stay close to you," she started. "I decided I am going to give Los Angeles two years, and then if nothing happens, I am going to run back to Georgia with my tail tucked firmly between my legs. How does that sound?"

"I don't think you need to worry about tucking anything anywhere," Aubrey laughed, opening her door and removing herself from the car, stretching as Chloe joined her. The blonde leaned down, her eyes meeting Beca's. "You are going to drive yourself mad if you keep dwelling on it, you know that, right?"

Beca nodded, getting out of the car. Chloe had disappeared into the building, leaving the two woman leaning on the hood of the car. "I can't believe I am about to admit this, but I am scared. I am absolutely terrified that I am going to get out there and realize I am not as good as everyone has made me out to be. I don't want to fail, and that fear of failing is almost making me cancel it all and just curl up in my apartment and stay there."

"Even if you never go to Los Angeles, you know you would keep making mixes. It's what you do.. it is what you are. Beca Mitchell, badass DJ." Aubrey slid closer to her, their hands resting next to each other. "I know you are going to be fine. You are going to make it big and win so many awards. Just promise you don't forget about us little people who helped you get to where you are."

"I can imagine my Grammy acceptance speech now. I want to thank the uptight blonde bitch Aubrey for almost ruining her life because she wouldn't take two seconds to listen to me," Beca chuckled.

"Would they let you say bitch?"

"Alright, how about this? I would like to thank the most uptight person I have ever met. Sure, she may seem like she doesn't know how to let go, but underneath all that shrink wrap, she has the fattest heart I have ever seen," Beca retorted, her pinky curling itself around Aubrey's. "Think Chloe has it figured out yet?"

"She didn't take the backseat just so she could sleep all day," Aubrey pointed out, nodding her head to the side as Chloe jogged over to them, pulling her hair up into a ponytail. Beca pulled her hand away from Aubrey's, ignoring the sigh the blonde let out. "So, I think we might hit a hotel once we get into Roanoke. Or Beca could let someone else drive."

"Nah. Hotel sounds good. I love me some cheap, mass produced continental breakfast!"

"I'll be back. I want to go see if the vending machine has any Paydays," Aubrey said, walking off.

Beca turned, jumping when Chloe was inches from her. "The bubble?"

The redhead rolled her eyes. "Will you please just tell me so I don't have to keep pretending like I don't know," she requested, her eyes not leaving Beca's. "I am not going to be mad."

The brunette looked towards the vending area, watching as Aubrey scrunched up her face in thought. "Two months," she muttered. "I asked her out two months ago. It wasn't like we were trying to keep it a secret, you know. I was just so wrapped up in trying to get the Bellas ready without being overbearing and really it just never came up in conversation."

Aubrey walked back over, one candy bar sticking out of her mouth and three more in her hands. "What?" she asked, ignoring the smirk from Beca. She took a bite of the opened one before looking between the two women. "I told you she picked the backseat for a reason." She got into the car and Beca returned her gaze to Chloe.

"How long have you known?"

Chloe bit her lip. "I saw you give her a goodnight kiss last week," she admitted. "I was home earlier than planned and when I was coming up the stairs, I saw you guys by the door. I didn't feel right saying anything, though, because it felt more like I was creeping and I wasn't. Plus, like I said, I'm not mad. I think you two are cute together," she added, nudging Beca as she walked past her and climbed into the car. Beca took a deep breath before returning to the drivers seat, buckling up, starting the car and hitting the highway again.

Chloe leaned back in the middle seat, her arms across her chest as she chewed on her bottom lip. "Spit it out," Beca ordered.

"I know I said I wasn't mad, but that doesn't mean that I am not hurt that you two couldn't let me in on it. Aubrey, you've been my best friend for almost eight years now, and you couldn't think to tell me that you had not only found someone to finally make you happy, but that it was Beca? We used to never keep secrets from each other." There was no denying the hurt that filled Chloe's voice. Beca looked at Aubrey, who was suddenly focused on the passing landscape. "I just want to know why you felt like you needed to hide it."

Beca opened her mouth to say something but was cut off by a look from Aubrey. The blonde turned in her seat to look at Chloe. "It was my fault. I know that you and Beca have a past and I wanted to make sure it was more than some silly fling or crush before I brought it to you. I didn't want to hurt your feelings or make you feel like Beca was trying to replace you, alright?"

Chloe cringed at the mention of her past with Beca. It wasn't horrible, they just hadn't worked out. It took them almost a year to realize it, but it was fine that the brunette was moving on while Chloe just sat around her room alone, wishing she had someone taking her out every Friday night. "I don't feel like she is trying to replace me," she muttered, stretching back out across the seat and putting her headphones in. "Wake me up when we get to the hotel."

Beca waited, listening for the music to start blaring through the headphones. It took less than a minute. "She's pissed."

Aubrey reached over, grabbing Beca's free hand, squeezing it gently. "Well, she is a big girl, Beca. She will get over it."

The brunette nodded, keeping her eyes on the road. She hadn't flicked the radio back on after leaving the rest area, and the silence in the car was starting to drive her insane. Letting go of Aubrey's hand, she fiddled with the dial until a radio station slowly faded in, playing some late seventies song or another. It was a solid two hours of only the radio fading in and out before they reached a hotel, Beca sitting in the car as Aubrey went in to get them a room. She turned in her seat, reaching back and poking Chloe.

The redhead jerked awake, looking around. "What?"

"We're at the hotel. Aubrey is getting us a room." She took a moment, chewing on her bottom lip. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about me and Aubrey, okay? It was stupid to keep it hidden. I just.. Aubrey and I both felt weird that you and I ended so abruptly and we somehow slid right back into friends so fast without actually talking things out. It was unfair of me to just walk away like I did, but all we were doing was fighting, and then once I left, we just.. stopped."

Chloe remained silent, focusing on putting her iPod away.

"It was stupid of me, but that doesn't mean I care about you any less just because I am dating Aubrey. I mean, come on, I am in college. If I was still with the same person.. that's rare for college. You are still my best friend, and this proves that nothing is going to change that." She looked inside, noting that Aubrey was still at the counter. "I did love you, Chloe. When I said it, I meant it. And I will never take it back. But we just.. we grew apart."

"Why Aubrey? Why her?"

Beca opened her mouth to respond, closing it quickly when she saw Aubrey approaching the car. The blonde looked between the two women, letting the silence last for a moment. "I don't know what I just walked into, but our room is on the second floor. You can go around the back of the building and there is a door that leads right to the stairs," she pointed out, not missing the annoyed glare Chloe threw at Beca before sitting back.

Chloe remained silent, her eyes catching Beca's whenever they happened to look in the same direction as they headed up the stairs and into the room. She tossed her backpack onto one of the beds before turning and looking at the other two women. "I am going to go check out the exercise room."

Beca watched her leave the room before turning to Aubrey. "What in the hell did you do to her?" Aubrey asked, her arms sliding around Beca's waist.

"She asked me why I chose you of all people," she replied, her forehead resting in the crook of Aubrey's neck.

"What did you tell her?"

"I didn't get a chance to answer. You came back to the car."

Aubrey laughed. "Sorry, I know it isn't funny." She leaned back, tilting Beca's head up, placing a soft kiss on her lips. "Go find her and tell her whatever you need to tell her, okay?"

The brunette nodded, turning and leaving the room, following the signs for the exercise room, finding Chloe sitting on the floor just inside the room, her head in her hands. "Chlo.."

"Go away."

"No."

"Beca."

"I picked Aubrey because she was there," she stated. "When I walked out on you, she was there for me and she listened to me, and it just happened. It wasn't like I had been planning all along to hook up with your best friend. She had seen our fights, Chloe. She knew that neither of us were trying to save the relationship. She understood why I walked away, and even after you and I started talking again, and it was killing me, she was there to listen, and it just happened."

Chloe looked up, tears in her eyes. "Who kissed who?"

"What does that even matter?"

"Answer the question."

Beca groaned. "She kissed me. I was stressing over the Bellas and I was going on and on and on and she just leaned over and kissed me. And I kissed her back. I don't see anything wrong with it. We were both single."

Chloe bit her lip, almost working the question over in her mind before she spat out, "have you fucked her yet?"

"No. We.. we were waiting for the right moment." Beca sat on the floor across from Chloe, messing with the hem of her shirt.

"So, what makes her so special and worthy of waiting? I mean, all it took was one fucking drink and you were in my pants," she snapped. "Am I that easy? You think I am easy? Then you just get bored with what is easy and you sit and wait and bide your time until the right moment to fuck her? What makes her so fucking special?!"

"Chloe, it isn't like that!" Beca shouted, standing up and looking down at the redhead. "I messed up with you, okay? Is that what you want to hear? Everything was my fault! Neither of us wanted a relationship but we were too fucking good of friends to have it be a one night stand. I should have grown a pair and ended it before it even began and spared us both the pain, but I can't go back, Chloe! I can't go back and change what choices I made with you, but I can sure as fuck try and do them right with Aubrey." Beca opened her mouth to add something before thinking better of it. "I'm sorry."


	3. Temporary

Beca slammed the door to the hotel room open, grabbing her backpack from the table, stopping when Aubrey put a hand on her wrist. "Slow down," she said, turning the shorter woman to face her. "What happened?"

The brunette wrenched her arm from Aubrey's grip, using her sleeve to wipe the tears from her eyes. "How can I make this right, Aubrey?! How can I make Chloe see that I care about her, but I can't go back to her? That I fucked it up, and I hate myself for fucking it up. I am taking it so slow with you because I am ready for this now. I wasn't ready for her, and I don't think she was ready for me, but I don't want to mess up with you because then I have no one. I don't want to end up with no one."

Aubrey pulled the backpack from Beca's hand and set it down before wrapping her arms around her girlfriend, holding her tightly as the younger woman broke down crying. She looked up as the door slowly opened, Chloe appearing. The redhead walked over to them, wringing her hands together. "Beca?"

Beca turned, keeping Aubrey's arms around her.

"I'm sorry. I was.. I was really out of line in asking you what I did. It is none of my business what you two do behind closed doors. I was upset, and I took it out on you, and that wasn't right," Chloe said, her voice quiet. "I just.. I lost control when you said that it was because Aubrey was there."

Beca paled, feeling the blondes arms retract. "I was there?"

Chloe clamped a hand over her mouth as Beca turned, facing the blonde. Aubrey had her hands on her hips, her face a mixture of pain and anger. "That isn't how I meant it!"

"How did you mean it then, Beca?"

The smaller woman opened her mouth, closing it again just as quick. "I meant it like.. you were there, for me, because you knew that I was hurting. You knew that I needed someone, and that means the world to me. You were there when I needed you the most. That is what I meant by it."

Aubrey didn't look convinced.

Beca threw her hands up. "You know what? I am sick of having to explain myself tonight for reasons that shouldn't even be discussed. You guys have fun, I am going to go sleep in the car." She grabbed her backpack and the car keys before either woman could stop her. Chloe flinched when the door closed, her eyes looking anywhere but Aubrey's.

"I shouldn't have said anything," Chloe mumbled, sitting on the bed closest to her. She brought her hand to her mouth, chewing on her thumbnail. "Aubrey, I think there is something wrong with me."

There was something in Chloe's voice that sent a chill through the blonde, causing her to sit down next to her friend, immediately putting an arm around her. "Like what?"

"I'm scared to be alone sometimes. My moods.. I just.. the smallest things set me off, Bree. But then I feel even worse after that. I cry for no reason, but minutes later I am perfectly fine. I don't know what is happening. I lose sleep for days at a time.. I forget to eat.. but then I go through a period where I do nothing but sleep. I'm scared."

"That's why you blew up at Beca?"

Chloe nodded. "She meant what she told you, Bree. You were what she needed. She wasn't ready for me and I wasn't ready for her. We could have been amazing, but our timing was so off. Then she gets you when she has had room to grow, and I should be happy for her. I should be happy for the both of you, you know? You are two of the people that I trust the most in life and the two people that actually mean something to me. I am just stupid if I keep letting this get to me. I need to grow up and get over it. There are plenty of people out there, right? I should stop dwelling on the one I lost and go find the one I keep missing." She nodded, almost as if to reassure herself. "I can't dwell on Beca. I loved her.. I still love her.. but it wasn't right. The only reason you two fought tonight was because of me, and it could have been worse."

"Doesn't change the fact that she is still sleeping in the car." Aubrey stood up, walking over to the other bed. "Chloe, we didn't fight because of you. Okay, maybe you triggered it, but you know how much Beca and I argue in general. We hadn't had a single fight in the past two months, but I could feel one building. I push her, and maybe that isn't healthy." She sat down, looking across the room at the redhead. "Want to know something?"

Chloe looked at her, quickly wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Beca regretted walking out on you for so long. It was the only thing she could talk about. You guys could have had a better start to a relationship than hooking up at a party, yeah, but she cared about you. She still cares about you, Chloe. And so do I. I know that I can never say sorry enough for hiding this from you, but when we started dating, it just seemed like it was the right thing to do. To protect you."

"I don't need your protection," she spat.

"I know, and that was where I made my first mistake."

"I don't really feel up to listening to you go on and on about you anymore, so I am going to go to sleep, fair enough?" she said, slipping off her sneakers before curling up on the bed. She heard Aubrey sigh before the door to the room opened and closed. She shut her eyes, putting her hands over her face as she let herself cry.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Her and Beca were supposed to be meant for each other.

Hearing both Beca and Aubrey tell her that the timing was off frustrated her. Beca had meant the world to her, yet she never did anything to save the relationship. She could have been better, more understanding, but instead she locked herself away and stopped letting Beca in. Chloe couldn't explain it even if you paid her, but it was by far the most frustrating experience in her life.

Destroying the one thing that actually made her happy. When she was with Beca, she slept. She ate. She smiled. She laughed. The past two years had brought almost none of that. It was a struggle to keep the smile on her face just to avoid someone asking her what was wrong.. having to suffer through the annoyance of the only answer being that she didn't know.

What she did know was that she slept, but she hurt. It wasn't emotional hurt or physical hurt, but those first few weeks after Beca left her, she just.. hurt. She spent more days than not just laying in bed, sometimes moving to the couch, wishing that the door would open and Beca would say that she was just joking. A cruel joke.

That was how she felt now. Like Beca and Aubrey were playing a cruel joke on her.

The door to the room opened, revealing both Beca and Aubrey's voices talking in a hushed tone. Chloe kept her eyes shut, trying to take in every word. "No, I didn't tell her!" Aubrey said, her voice strained. "She basically brushed me off almost immediately after you left. I'm worried about her. She thinks there is something wrong with her."

"She just had a huge bombshell dropped on her, Aubrey. She is going to be a little wonky."

"No, I mean, she really thinks it. I have never heard her sound so scared."

Beca sighed.

"Don't roll your eyes. You know her just as well as I do, and we both know she hasn't been the same since you left."

"Are we really going to go here? I thought we worked past this already."

"Beca," Aubrey warned.

"No! You don't get to do that!" The brunette raised her voice. "You don't get to make this into my fault. It is bad enough I have spent every single day of the past year and a half kicking myself for hurting her, but I moved on. It isn't like she would have taken me back, Aubrey! You know that better than anyone! She shut all of us out, and we are fucking lucky she let us back in."

A thud as someone slammed their hand on the table.

"I know what it is like to shut people out when they hurt you. I spent my teenage years doing my hardest to ignore my dad because he left. I didn't let my mom in, because I wanted to be alone. It was easier than trying to decipher anything! I thought something was wrong with me, but it wasn't." She took a breath. "I mean, there was but now there isn't."

Chloe inhaled, any extra noise now pushed to the side as she focused on Beca's voice.

The sound of someone, more than likely Beca, sitting in one of the chairs. "My mom got scared when I spent the entire summer vacation between my junior and senior years of high school in my room. I mean, that was normal, you know? I would lock myself up and work with music. But I wasn't even doing that. I just.. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed in the morning. I barely ate anything. She finally caved and called my dad, and he was there in an instant, with his new wife, but he was worried about me."

A pause.

"They took me to the emergency room, fearing for my safety or something. They had a therapist come in and talk to me. I was diagnosed with depression. I spent my senior year of high school going to see a shrink after school three times a week, and I was put on Prozac, but you know something? It worked. I am better now. I still take the fucking pills, just because I am terrified of what would happen if I didn't."

There were no more words, but Chloe knew the sound of Beca crying. She wanted to jump up and hold her, and tell her that she was so scared that she had the same thing, but it wasn't her place to comfort the younger woman anymore. That was Aubrey's job.

"I'm sorry," Aubrey whispered, what seemed to be hours later, after the sniffling from the other side of the room had stopped. It took Chloe a minute to realize that she was talking to the redhead. The bed shifted, Aubrey wrapping her arms around Chloe. "I know you heard all of that. And I am sorry that I keep messing up on being your best friend. I have to find a balance between her girlfriend and your friend. It might take me a while, but I want you to know that I am trying. You are so important to me, Chlo, because you were the only one there for me at Barden. You stuck around through the worst, and I will never be able to repay that. You spent so much time and energy making sure I was okay but I never did the same for you. I treated you like shit."

"Don't."

"No, you need to listen to me. I've been a horrible friend, and part of me is always going to be hesitant about my relationship with Beca because of how much she meant to you and how much you mean to her. We do worry about you, Chloe, even if you don't believe it right now. I know a lot was dumped on you today, but when you are ready to try and sort your thoughts out, I am here."

Chloe turned over, looking at the blonde. "What didn't you tell me?"

Aubrey shook her head. "It isn't important right now."

"It is to me."

The blonde took a deep breath before meeting her friends eyes. "When Beca moves to Los Angeles in August, I am going with her."


	4. You're Only Young Once

Aubrey was going to Los Angeles in four months. She was going to Los Angeles to live with Beca. Chloe closed her eyes, replaying the conversation she had overheard. Beca took medication to keep her depression under control. Maybe that was the same problem Chloe had. Maybe she was just depressed. Sure, it didn't explain the very, very brief moments where she was nothing but happy, but it explained the lows.

It explained wanting to sleep all day and all night.

It explained wanting to kill herself when things got really bad.

Maybe she should tell her parents she wanted to see a doctor about it, just in case.

She would get out of bed and find her phone, but it was one of those days. It hurt to even think about moving. She could hear Aubrey and Beca in the living room, talking about the apartment that Beca's dad had already gotten for her.

Footsteps heading down the hall, stopping at her door. "Chloe?" Aubrey's voice was gentle, a hint of worry in it. "It's almost two in the afternoon."

"I don't feel good."

"I'm going to run out and get some food. Beca will be in the living room if you need anything." Her footsteps retreated down the hall, stopped somewhere in the living room before continuing to the door. Chloe listened to the door open and close, waiting a few minutes before forcing herself out of the bed.

Sure enough, Beca was stretched out on the couch, her laptop open. She had her hands raised, headphones at the ready, when she noticed Chloe. "Hey."

"Hi," Chloe mumbled, the first words she had spoken to Beca since four days ago at the hotel. "Make some room?"

"Of course." The brunette swung her feet to te floor, watching quietly as Chloe made herself comfortable. "Look, Aubrey told me that you know we are moving in together.."

"Beca, it's fine."

Beca nodded, closing her laptop and setting it on the table. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

Chloe smiled. "I thought you hated movies."

"Well, you know, I dated this chick for a while and she showed me that not all movies are horribly predictable," Beca smirked.

"Clearly, she must have known her stuff." Chloe frowned for a moment. "Did you ask Aubrey? Or did she ask you?"

"She.. uh.. she asked me. I was telling her how my dad got me this two bedroom apartment in North Hollywood and she brought up moving in together. It just seems logical since her dad.." Beca trailed off.

"Her dad what?" Chloe inquired.

"Her dads firm is opening a branch in LA. It saves her from having to apartment hunt."

Chloe closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Aubrey was going to Los Angeles anyways. She was leaving Chloe regardless and she hasn't told her. "Oh."

"Aubrey is going to kill me for telling you. I don't.."

"What? Did she not want me to know? She wanted to hide that from me? Everyone is abandoning me. This is bullshit," she said, standing up. Ignoring Beca, she made her way back to her room and found her sneakers and phone before heading back into the living room. "Tell Aubrey I won't be home tonight," she snapped, grabbing her wallet before leaving the apartment, slamming the door behind her.

Fifteen minutes later she found herself in front of the apartment that Cynthia Rose and Stacie shared, tears falling down her cheeks. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, quickly highlighting Cynthia Roses name. "Yeah?"

"It's Chloe. Do you have some time? I could really use someone to talk to," Chloe mumbled, wiping her eyes.

"I'll be down in five."

The phone disconnected and Chloe tried to stop the new wave of tears. Five minutes later, Cynthia Rose climbed into the car and looked at the redhead. "I'm not okay," she cried.

Cynthia Rose wisely kept her mouth shut.

"Beca and Aubrey are moving to Los Angeles together. Aubrey has a job in California and I had to find out from Beca because I guess I am just not important to Aubrey anymore. She doesn't tell me anything willingly. I.. I overheard something, and it made me think."

"I am all ears, babe."

"I know I can trust you. I heard Beca tell Aubrey that when she was a teenager, she was diagnosed with depression as a teenager and that she takes medication." Chloe bit her lip. "I think I want to go see a doctor. I think I might have that problem."

Cynthia Rose reached across the car, pulling the redhead to her. "If you want that, we will figure something out, okay? I take it you don't want anyone else to know?"

Chloe shook her head. "I'm scared to know if I am messed up."

"I'll let you in on a secret, Chloe. Everyone is messed up. Some just hide it better than others," Cynthia Rose said, pulling back and smiling at her friend.

Bi-Polar II.

Chloe had a mental illness.

She slowly walked back into the waiting room, ignoring the look Cynthia Rose gave her, holding the pieces of paper in her hand. She felt numb.

She could feel the last few years of her life slowly falling into place.

The down moods. The small ups.

It made sense.

She finally looked to the other woman as they got to the car. "I need to get these prescriptions filled."

Cynthia Rose nodded. "Easy enough."

Chloe remained silent as they headed towards the drugstore.

"Aubrey texted you a few times while you were in there," Cynthia Rose mentioned, setting Chloe's phone in one of the cupholders.

The redhead nodded, pulling into the parking lot. Cynthia Rose followed her into the store, hanging back in the small toy section as Chloe dropped the prescription off. She was putzing with a cup in a ball toy when Chloe reappeared. "I have officially been diagnosed as biploar, which does explain my ups and downs, I guess."

"You gonna tell Aubrey?"

Chloe shook her head. "I was actually going to make you a little deal."

"Oh?"

"Stacie told me you have been having some trouble with your gambling again."

Cynthia Rose looked at the floor.

"With Beca and Aubrey moving across the country, it is going to be slightly easier to keep things from them. We all know I can be.. spastic. So, you make sure I take my meds every day and I will do my damndest to keep you from gambling. Sound fair?"

"Very." She was silent for a moment. "Stacie said if it gets worse again, she is done. I don't want to lose her. I worked so hard to get her to see that she was what I wanted, and if that was going to just.. fall apart.. I couldn't handle that, you know? As cheesy as it sounds, she makes.."

"..you better." Chloe smiled. "I know the feeling. And that's why I want to help you. And you are the only person.. I haven't even told my parents I was going to see a doctor.. you are my support system. I'm going to rely on you to keep me in check."

Cynthia Rose remained silent for a moment before looking at Chloe again. "Have you ever seriously thought about killing yourself?" she asked, her voice low.

The redhead thought for a moment, looking around. "When Beca left." She turned and walked back to the pharmacy, letting her brain figure out how to finish the answer. They were in the car ten minutes later when Chloe finally had it. "I had never thought of myself as someone who would be suicidal. I mean, I was always able to put on a smile to please everyone around me, but I never wanted to die."

Chloe noted that Stacie's car was gone when she parked in front of Cynthia Rose's building. They headed upstairs, sitting on opposite ends of the couch.

"No one can deny that I wanted Beca, like, the second I saw her. At first, it was just lust. She was hot and I was itching for someone new. I don't know what I was thinking when I walked into her shower stall and forced her to sing. I'm still shocked she never tried to have me arrested. She told me, at hood night, that even if her sad hadn't told her to get involved.. after that night she would have auditioned anyways because of me. She was striving to connect with someone."

She took a drink of water, hesitantly downing her two pills.

"She connected with me over music and all I could realize was that there was so much more to her than that badass attitude she tried so hard to project. We spent time together, and then that night we all waited in her room? After you guys had left, I confessed everything to her. Not about wanting her, but how it made me feel horrible with how Aubrey treated me. How Aubrey treated everyone."

Cynthia Rose smirked.

"Clearly, you can guess the choice words Beca had about that, right? So it actually hurt my feelings at semis when she told me that it's okay, because it wasn't like I had to pretend I was allowed to have a say in the group."

"What gave you the courage to make that first move?"

"I saw her kiss Jesse. It hurt. Like, it felt like someone was standing on my chest. Two days later, I asked her of they were dating and it was such a relief to hear her say that they weren't. She liked him as a friend, but she couldn't get over some comments he made in the beginning of the year that made him sound like a pretentious douchebag."

"That's because he is a pretentious douchebag," Cynthia Rose said, clinking her water glass with Chloe's as they laughed.

"Anyways, back to the story. I could have just asked her if she wanted to go on a date, but in my pure elation that she was single, I just leaned forward and kissed her. She pushed me away, telling me she needed to think."

The other woman laughed. "Sorry, I don't mean to laugh because I know you put yourself out there, but I can just see that happening. Beca has walls, but I don't think she has any ability to keep them up when it comes to you, even now."

"No, she still has some. But at hood night the next year, she asked me to come, and I did. We got drunk and we fell into bed. Neither of us wanted to call it a one night stand. In a way, we roped ourselves into a relationship that most people thought was coming. If I said I didn't have doubts about it, I would be lying."

"As sad as it is true, all good things must come to an end."

"That's deep." She let a sad smile cross her face. "I kept trying to push her away. But Beca wouldn't have that. She kept trying to worm her way back in, because deep down she wanted it.. she wanted me. Then I just kept closing in on myself. I still can't explain it. And one day, I woke up, and Beca was gone."

"Ouch."

She nodded. "Yeah. I felt like I just.. I didn't want to go on. I had pushed her away, but once I achieved that, I found I needed her. I needed her to stay alive. I never actually tried to kill myself, and I have Aubrey to thank for that. I would call her and I would be a miserable mess and she would wait until I was calm before she told me that Beca was just as miserable, but neither of us would cave." She took a deep breath, opening her mouth to add more when the front door opened, Stacie coming in with a few grocery bags.

"Oh, Chloe! Hey!" she said, smile on her face as Cynthia Rose jumped up and took the bags from her. "I didn't think you guys were gonna be back for a while still. I was hoping to have some sort of dinner thrown together."

"Don't let us being here early stop you from cooking. I was just gonna get some takeout," Chloe replied, turning on the couch to look into the kitchen. Her eyes met Cynthia Rose's for a brief second, smiling as she put the groceries away, the two moving effortlessly in the kitchen around each other.

She couldn't have prepared herself for the jolt of sadness that hit in her in that moment.

That was something her and Beca were supposed to have. She was going to come home from her job as a teacher and Beca would have some mangled form of dinner waiting on the table, and they would curl up on the couch together and fall asleep in each others arms.

She stood up, her head spinning. "Chloe?" Cynthia Rose sounded far away.

She needed out.

She needed to run.

She was falling towards the couch again.

Blacking out worked, too, she guessed.


End file.
